The Myth of the Non-Judgmental Observer

One of the things often taught in NLP trainings is that the third perceptual position is a state of non-judgmental observation. In other words, when we step outside an experience and observe it from the outside, we become neutral witnesses to what happened.

In practice, that’s often not what occurs.

Over nearly two decades of inviting people to “step out” of a memory and observe themselves from the outside, a different pattern consistently appears. Instead of becoming neutral observers, people evaluate themselves. They judge what they did, how they handled it, or what it says about them, for better and for worse.

Stepping out of an experience does not automatically produce non-judgment. It simply creates a different point of perception.

When someone moves from first perceptual position (being inside the experience) to third perceptual position (observing themselves in the experience), they are no longer immersed in the moment, they are relating to it.

And the quality of that relationship depends entirely on the state they bring with them.

When we “go meta,” we bring one state to bear on another. We relate to our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors from a higher level of awareness. This is precisely the territory explored by the Meta-States model of Neuro-Semantics.

The perceptual shift creates the space. The meta-state determines what happens in that space.

The real skill, then, is not simply stepping into third perceptual position. The real skill is having flexibility in the state you hold while you are there.

That being said, a state of non-judgmental awareness is an extremely valuable state to cultivate.

When people immediately judge themselves while reflecting on an experience it inhibits learning. When someone can observe their behavior without immediately judging it, they can see what actually happened and separate the event from their interpretation of the event.

That separation gives them the space to cleanly evaluate and therefore evolve with efficiency.

Interestingly, non-judgmental awareness is not only useful when reflecting on ourselves from a third perceptual position. It is equally valuable when engaging with the world from the first perceptual position.

When someone stays present with what is happening, while holding a state of non-judgmental awareness, perception becomes cleaner. The internal commentary quiets and attention reconnects with the raw data of the senses. Fritz Perls captured this beautifully when he said, “Lose your mind and come to your senses.”

This shift also changes the quality of our relationships. People can sense when they are being judged, and when they do they tend to become guarded or defensive. But when someone feels observed without judgment they tend to relax, they open up, and conversations become more honest. Rapport deepens.

Of course, judgment itself is not the enemy. Judgments help us evaluate situations and make decisions. Quick judgment calls can save your life, like quickly stepping back when you hear a car accelerating toward you before you’ve consciously processed what’s happening (they can also cost lives if one acts with poor judgment). The issue arises when judgment becomes automatic, low quality, and inflexible.

So the real question becomes one of choice. Can you turn judgment on when it is useful? Can you suspend it when it is not? Can you tell when to use one skill versus the opposite? Do you have the space to judge your judgments to evaluate their quality?

Going meta does not automatically produce non-judgment, it simply gives you the opportunity to choose it. And the more skillfully you can access that state, when reflecting on yourself and when relating to others and the world, the more clearly you can perceive and the more effectively you’ll be able to learn, connect, and grow.

To your next level of momentum, meaning, and mastery,

Jason Schneider

PS. If you want to master your perception and effectively influence/lead/coach others, the skills of shifting perceptual positions and managing your state are going to be fundamental. If you’d like my personal support to integrate these skills and break through the internal barriers holding you back from operating at your best I’ll be opening limited space for new clients next month. Apply here to get notified first.