The Problems with Advice

Have you ever given someone advice and it was met with resistance?  Or perhaps they were open to receive your advice but they didn’t act on it, even though it would have been in their best interest?

If yes you’re really going to enjoy today’s article where I share with you the top reasons why advice doesn’t work and how to get around that as well as why many times a ‘coaching’ style is more effective than a style of ‘consulting’.

3 Reasons Why Your Advice is Resisted

1. Insufficient Rapport

One of the first reasons why our advice is met with resistance is because there wasn’t sufficient rapport from the start.  Did they ask you for advice? Are they open to advice? Is that what they are looking for right now?

I am sure you have experiences in your life where somebody came to you with unsolicited advice and we all know that feeling of being told what other people think we should do even though we weren’t in an open state to receive it.

So be sure to check if there is sufficient rapport and make sure you have plenty of rapport skills. 

But even when my coaching clients outright ask for advice I don’t give it to them.  More on that later in the article.

2. Insufficient Understanding

Let’s assume that you do have sufficient rapport and that this person is open and willing to hear you out.  The next reason why our advice would be met with resistance is because we haven’t done enough information gathering in the first place.

Maybe you have been on the receiving end of this one as well.  Someone starts giving you advice and you think, “I haven’t even finished telling you the whole story yet!” 

They didn’t ask you any questions, they didn’t explore, they didn’t even let you finish expressing yourself and they are already telling you what they think you should do?

The solution here is to bite your tongue before giving advice and ask a lot of questions to really understand the whole landscape of what is going systemically before you could possibly be in a good place to consult them.

So let’s assume you have sufficient rapport, the context is appropriate for you to support them, and you have gathered a lot of information so that you have a good understanding of the context.  How do you know when your understanding is sufficient?  

A great rule of thumb is that, if you can feed back to them what you understand and they give you a direct and congruent confirmation, you are understanding them.

3. They Already Know What to Do

Another reason why our advice fails is because many times people already know what they need to do.  The problem is not that they don’t know what to do, the problem is that something is blocking them from doing it!

In other words there is a gap between knowing and doing.

This is where the coaching skills of questioning and more specifically meta-questioning to gather deeper information into the beliefs, frames of mind, objections, reasons, justifications, decisions, prohibitions, and even the identities that are holding them back.

What is the inner game that is stopping them from taking action on what they know?

So if the problem is that they already know what to do, then you giving them advice isn’t helping anything.  It’s not supporting them to get from where they are to where they want to be and I can imagine if you’re offering advice to this person one of your goals is to support them to get into a better place.

If this is the case one of the best things you can do is develop your meta-questioning skills to better understand the inner game that is driving them to not act on what they know.

2 Reasons Why I Prefer ‘Coaching’ over ‘Consulting’

So far we have explored reasons for why your advice wouldn’t work and how to go around that. Now I am going to share two reasons why I believe giving advice is probably not the best solution at all!

Earlier in this article I mentioned that even when my clients ask me for advice I refuse them. I aim to always reply with questions rather than advice and here are two reasons why.

1. Advice Disempowers the Receiver 

One of the reasons why I would much prefer to coach them rather than consult them is because if you give them the answer you are disempowering them.   Now they look to you as the expert with the knowledge and wisdom to support them as opposed to them taking the personal responsibility to find the answer for themselves. 

When this happens, not only do they not take ownership over the solution, but this can create a level of dependency where they feel they need to come back to you and others to solve their problems.

This is the equivalent of giving them the fish rather than teaching them to fish for themselves.

The hidden presupposition that is operational here is that they do not have the resources to solve their own problems, which leads to disempowerment, resourcefulness, and irresponsibility.

A questions/coaching/facilitative model is much more empowering to others to solve their own problems and find their own answers.

2. Advice Can Get You Into Trouble

The biggest reason why, in my experience, a coaching style is preferable to a consulting style (and why I refuse my clients advice) is because nobody can guarantee results.  

If someone asks you “Should I get a divorce?” or “What do you think about quitting my job?” or “Should I invest in X?” be very weary!

Even if you have sufficient rapport, they are actively requesting your advice, and you have gathered a lot of information to understand the big picture to the best of your ability, your butt is now on the line!

If you give them advice and they follow your advice and it doesn’t work out for them guess who is easy pickings to take the blame…

You told them to do something and it was a bad decision!

And even if they don’t express it there will likely be some subconscious tension towards you which is not what you want as a coach, friend, family member, colleague, etc.

A coaching style will be beneficial to you, to others, and to your relationships in the long run.

Giving advice is a lose-lose proposition:  

If the decision goes well they don’t take responsibility and end up disempowered in the long run.

And if it doesn’t go well your neck is on the line.

Questions and comments are encouraged here.