What is a double bind in Neuro-Linguistic programming, and how to escape them!

A double bind is a linguistic construction that typically offers two alternatives, both of which lead to the same outcome.

For example, 

• “Would you like to brush your teeth before dinner or after?”
• “Would you like to pay cash or credit?”
• “Would you like to go to the store now, or later?”

Typically in NLP this is taught as a ‘hypnotic language pattern’ or pattern of influence for the ‘practitioner/programmer’ to get what they want.  When used more ethically this is also taught as a method for influencing the client to achieve their previously agreed upon outcome.

But, as with many things in NLP, double binds are ways of thinking and communicating that you most likely use already…. Sometimes to your benefit and sometimes to your detriment.

Have you ever thought/felt anything like this before:

• “Either I tell him how I feel and lose him as a friend forever, or I stay stuck in this uncomfortable relationship.”
• “If I quit my job I will have no financial security but if I stay it will slowly kill me.”

Or more resourcefully:

• “This Sunday I can go to the party and enjoy time with friends or stay home and enjoy relaxing.”
• “I can either do my daily workout in the morning before work, or in the evening after work.”

Double binds create either lose-lose situations or win-win situations.

A classic double bind I remember from grade school was,

“Does your mom know you are stupid?” 

“No!”

‘“Oh, so your mom doesn’t know you are stupid?!”

How is that for a creative trap!

So you may be wondering how to escape unresourceful double binds.

One way out of a double-bind is to step back and go meta.  (In the extended NLP meta-model double binds would be classified as distortions of ‘either-or’ thinking).

When you step back from the construction and look at it from a meta perspective you can see it as a trap which gives you more flexibility in how to respond.   Let me give you an example.  

Kid: “Does your mom know you are stupid?”   

Going meta: “What a stupid question!”

Did you see what happens there?   In going meta and making a comment on the question itself you have avoided being trapped in the unresourceful double bind. 

So going meta and meta-commenting on the statement itself is one way to escape some double binds.

We can also escape double binds by going meta and transcending the either-or structure of the statement and seeing the gray areas in between the alternatives.

Let’s take some of the other unresourceful double binds above:

• “Would you like to pay cash or credit?”

“If I was to decide that I want to make this purchase at a later time, could I put part on my card and part cash?”

• “If I quit my job I will have no financial security but if I stay it will slowly kill me.”

“Are there not any other alternatives than those two extremes? What other options in between could we come up with if we were to creatively brainstorm alternatives now?”

At first glance double binds may seem tricky but what you may realize is that you can either trap yourself and others into win-win scenarios or transcend negative double binds to create more flexibility and choice than ever before.

Do you feel you are trapped in a double bind?  Share what it is and what are some creative ways you can think of to escape, or we can help you find some creative ways when you comment here: https://www.facebook.com/perceptionacademy/posts/1536719086480246

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